Blog

CCL Diaries – 4 – Focus, confusion & fixing the environment

Well, it has been a while, for saying I was enjoying this blog series ….

Hi Darlings.
I thought it was time to update you again on life over here, more to be honest with myself I think. Lockdown has brought a whole host of emotions, and in all honesty, I have struggled to sit down and just write.

Despite my actual posting on socials and my blog maybe not seeming completely out of character, I myself have noticed a definite withdraw, lack of focus and loss of that overwhelming excitement when posting.

There have definitely been a few different reasons for this, and I wanted to straighten it out with myself, as I have a backlog Darlings, and I am so desperate to get all this content up and running again!!

It’s true what they say …

I am such a firm believer of the saying, ‘If you want something done, ask a busy person’. The busier I am, certainly the more motivated I feel. I always remember my grandparents saying to me, ‘you must have more hours in the day than anyone else’. I love being busy, and being ‘on it’ with my life. I am so ambitious and I have always used my motivation to push me forwards and get things done.

But during lockdown, I feel like my motivation has decreased, and I have slightly come to live by the ‘I’ll do it tomorrow’ phrase. Having more time on my hands sounded like such a luxury at the start, but it has actually done me no favours at all.

Lockdown has made me feel completely lost. Whilst at the start I was enjoying the odd lie in, lazy day and box set, I have realised just how much I need my busy life , and how much I miss everything I loved about my life. I always imagined life at a slower pace, because my life has always been 100mph, but now I realise I don’t think I have the tolerance for it.

Whilst we hadn’t been able to go anywhere or do anything, I realise that the ‘luxury’ of endless time seemed to fade quickly, maybe because my motivation to work on myself didn’t just explode, like I possibly thought it would. I have lost, as has everyone else, a whole summer of shows, events and plans, this has taken a massive hit on me. My whole life, like everyone else’s, pretty much ground to a complete halt, and in all honestly I now just feel a little lost with who I am, what I love and what I am doing.

Focus…

I am so embarrassed to say that recently my focus has not been on myself, and bettering where I am. I became fixated on others, others covering a whole host of people, and I have fed some really unhealthy thoughts, conversations and situations. Whilst we all do this from time to time, during lockdown I think I have really let this become an issue.

I am definitely someone that can let negativity, or negative situations consume me, and in this, I seem to feed the situations by continuing to look, engage or immerse myself in that situation.

There are some demons from my past that I put into a box, and lockdown gave me an excuse to reopen the box. Little did I know that I would let this consume every single day. Something that impacted my life so hugely and I thought I had been freed, but I realise there is still a way to go, as during lockdown this old situation has impacted yet more situations.

Social media is such an easy way to become consumed in a negative environment, and to continue to feed that. There is so much that can be seen that can wind you up, trigger old memories, or make you feel bad about your own life. As much as social media is a huge part of my life and my blog, I know it has a negative impact on me.

I have literally allowed these situations to control my mood, motivation and my general daily life, consistently for the whole of lockdown. I have allowed others to be the main source of my mood, good or bad. And I have locked onto some people, far too much, during this time.

Honesty is the best policy …

I think from my socials it potentially looks like little has changed, there might have been a bit less frequent posting across the blog and my other accounts, but you may not have noticed much of a change elsewhere. However, knowing what content I have to go up, and how excited I should be about it, I have definitely noticed a change, which I feel so much guilt over.

I’ve noticed that when I don’t feel myself, I completely withdraw from my sites, and yet I should probably share the ‘real life’. I know so many of you message me when I do speak honestly on there, and have always expressed gratitude for showing real life, so I don’t understand why I have started to withdraw so much when I don’t quite feel right.

Funnily enough, something else I have really struggled with again over the last couple of weeks is my skin. You know that I have very temperamental skin, it is either great or horrendous. Honestly speaking, about a week ago I sat in front of the mirror for quite a while, starring at my skin, I was crying at how red and sore and irritated it was. I felt so ugly. I could feel it literally stinging so badly that I just wanted to scream. I felt like that really was the final blow. This is to the extent that my skin does upset me. And as soon as it flares up, I withdraw from socials, because I get so upset over how it looks. I know, again, so many of you have reached out when I have spoken openly about my skin, yet I myself feel embarrassed by it and hide away.

I am quite sad right now, I am sad with lockdown and I am sad with several situations surrounding it, and me. I am sad how it has impacted how I feel about myself, and how I see my blog right now. I am sad at the strains it has caused, and the tears it has surfaced.

In not loving myself this lockdown, I have allowed every one of my flaws, every heartache, and every annoyance faced to become an all consuming, mood squashing, detrimental hindrance.

I wish I could find it in me to be kinder to myself in situations, instead of being so angry at myself for not being all of the things that I am not.

Now that I feel like this, it has 100% limited and impacted the amount of content I’ve produced, how I feel about the content, and how I go about it all. When I don’t feel right in myself, I am never ever happy with the final content. I beat myself up to the point of becoming unhappy, because I become so self critical.

I have a stack of blogs that should have really gone up by now, but I have just struggled to find the real focus and drive to get them finished and published. When my blog means so much to me, it upsets me to say this, and to admit that I have let things slide so much.

I am trying to face this head on, in writing this blog. I want my determination with my blog back and I know this has only been a temporary situation to a wider problem, but I have felt unhappy, and addressing this all has to be my first step.

So what is coming …

I am hoping the next blog will now go live tonight, if not tomorrow morning. Whilst I take my blogging very seriously, it is still my hobby, and sometimes a bit of care and TLC has to come first. I beat myself up enough, I need to allow myself to post this one when I just can.

I am so ready to get back excited about my content, and my passions. I am ready to remove myself from the toxic immersions that I have become so consumed in, to refocus on my own lane.

I am hoping now with the easing of lockdown, and life returning to ‘normal’, that I will now be so much busier again, and feel like myself again. I know when normal life for me resumes, I will have less time in this cycle of negativity, and constantly feeding it.

Despite the blog having slowed a little, I have been focusing on other platforms, where I have found less pressure in performing, this includes both my TikTok and Pinterest platforms, which can both be found by searching ‘Country Classic Lucinda’ . The pressure is off on these platforms and therefore, whilst I haven’t been feeling myself, I have definitely found more enjoyment with content creation over there.
I am so so proud of both of these channels, and the fun I have had in nurturing their content. I would love for you to check them out too!

Darlings, bare with me. I’m coming back.

I love you all always, thank you for your support.

Lots of love, Lucinda xo

‘When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.

Alexander Den Heijer

Catch up on the latest posts here: